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When depression set in, I thought pain relief lied in getting duller. People I called “stupid” — who lived simple lives filled with alcohol and lack of any talent or purpose — weren't suffering. Better even, they denied the existence of depression.
My “wish” was granted when they prescribed cariprazine. In two months, I lost my ability to read, let alone code.
Before that, even depressed, writing a simple email/password auth was a matter of ten minutes in any of the languages I knew how to do web in (JS, Python, Clojure, PHP). But on cariprazine, I remember myself not quite getting what an HTML form was.
Tell you what… you should never wish to become dumber. When I was smart and depressed, the pain was real, but it felt like… let's say a breakup. When I was dumb and depressed, it felt like being raped with a red-hot soldering iron. Or like being skinned alive. Or like when 100% of your skin is a third-degree burn. The pain weren't listening to me, as my mouth was glued shut as if I was Keanu in the first Matrix movie. You can't say, do or think anything, at all, to ease your pain somehow. You can't even realize that just DMing or calling someone is probably a good idea.
Instead of you vs. despair situation from when you were smart, now it's just despair that is actively melting you, so you two become one. Even time loses its meaning. There is nothing out there but suffering.
If you're smart(er than I was at my lowest), DO cherish it. Losing that will spell disaster. So stay away from substances that can facilitate that loss.3 -
As soon as the shouting stops, I will begin the process of clearing my head. About 20 minutes after the shouting stops, I will be able to do some work.
Unfortunately, about 10 minutes after the shouting stops, it starts again.
And then it will be lunchtime.
And then there will be more shouting.
And then it will be the end of the day.7 -
The course videos were done in November 2022.
It's May 2024 and i'm still shuffling paperwork to get the damn thing published.
"Course authorship is down on our platform! Why is it taking so long for our authors to publish!? Whats going on here?!"
Maybe because nearly all of the authors you have full time jobs and a family like me and don't have time for an infinite revolving door of new tools and frameworks!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHGHGHGHGHTHTHTHTHHHHH
Never again.1 -
So... it's break time.
I just was eating fries with ranch... dipped my fingers in the ranch as if they were holding fries...then immediately hit Ctrl + z.
Took me a few seconds to realise why it didn't work.5 -
Say “bug fixes and performance improvements” one more time! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfucker! Say “bug fixes and performance improvements” one more time!2
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- Hey, I need to do X and I need your department to do it.
- "We can't do X, this is against company policy!"
- Oh, sorry, I didn't know. But I will have to justify it to my boss, can you point me to where in the policy it says you can't do X?
- "No I can't, it won't be there. It is just common sense"
- Wait, what? You saying you can't do something because it is against the company policy even though there is no restriction against it in company policy?!
- "Other companies don't do it either"
- I will need you to say that in writing, I need to explain it to my boss.
- "Our email server is FUBAR"
- It can be hand-written
- "I can't give a declaration in name of my department!"
- Wait, so you can interpret company policy any way you want, make decisions regardless of what the policy actually says but you can't own up to it in writing?!?
- "..."
- ...
(Some context: I've been emailing them about X for more than a week. Just got crickets for a response. Not even an evasive coward response, just no answer at all. And calling them leaves no paper trail. Fucking oxygen thiefs)
For fuck sake, are non-tech departments always filled with complete morons?!? Does anyone have ever worked with smart, or at least minimally-coherent non-tech people?!?!
Seriously, does anyone there have some story about some non-stupid non-tech/analog/muggle coworker?!?
I'm inclined to think that anyone who can think systematically is either working in tech or not working at all.7 -
wow, using multiple LLMs in parallel instead of 1 serial LLM produces better results! who could have thought!!!!
https://hao-ai-lab.github.io/blogs/...
god i am so fucking sick of this rat race
older devranters, is this really just ad nauseum hype repeats until i die? should i just stop raging at the universe and give up?2 -
TLDR; of my current job:
Deal with shit that nobody wants to deal with, if I manage to make something good out of it, prepare that the credit will be stolen.
At a previous workplace, people wanted me to deal with shit that they wanted to blame me for it, so it’s kind of an improvement. But I wish I could find a normal job where I either do normal work or just have someone that would have my back and just say “idkhow did this” or “let’s bring them to this meeting as they might be able to help with the cool stuff too”.
Also, remember that one of my parents has cancer? I won’t be able to be there for the surgery, due to things out of my control. A lot of things feel out of control lately…1 -
I fucking hate picking a linux distro, I always end up regretting my choice nonetheless because my fucking laptop is so old anything is too irritating for it to run and every distro has some mild annoyances that I fixate on them and cannot keep my stupid miserable brain to just let it go13
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I wonder how many bitflips did they trigger last night...
Looks pretty. But much too scarry when you understand what it is.3 -
I've been away a while, mostly working 60-70 hour weeks.
Found a managers job and the illusion of low-level stability.
Also been exploring elliptic curve cryptography and other fun stuff, like this fun equation...
i = log(n, 2**0.5)
base = (((int((n/(n*(1-(n/((((abs(int(n+(n/(1/((n/(n-i))+(i+1)))))+i)-(i*2))/1))/1/i)))))*i)-i)+i))
...as it relates to A143975 a(n) = floor(n*(n+3)/3)
Most semiprimes n=pq, where p<q, appear to have values k in the sequence, where k is such that n+m mod k equals either p||q or a multiple thereof.
Tested successfully up to 49 bits and counting. Mostly haven't gone further because of work.
Theres a little more math involved, and I've (probably incorrectly) explained the last bit but the gist is the factorization doesn't turn up anything, *however* trial lookups on the sequence and then finding a related mod yields k instead, which can be used to trivially find p and q.
It has some relations to calculating on an elliptic curve but thats mostly over my head, and would probably bore people to sleep.2 -
User having a problem with a page in a web application : -...I'm attaching a screenshot of what it looks like.
Me: - Some scripts seem to be cached so you might need to reload the page.
User: - Now that I reloaded the page for the third time it seems to work. Then I tried another case and then it gives me the same response as in the previously attached screenshot.
Me: - Was it in a separate Firefox window?
User: - What do you mean by a separate Firefox Window?
Different professions really speak different languages.2 -
I really gotta stop accepting food from other people
my birthday was the other day and my roommate wanted to get me something special to eat for free
I said I keep dreaming of the samosa salad from Indian places he would get and I would keep stealing a spoon full of to try (this was after I got sick and insensitive to food so I was cautious)
he insisted it was from this fast food place... that's weird. I don't think it was. he insists all Indian places have it on their menu but he just didn't know. and he was getting this fast food's place one and that's the one I liked. ok. I consent.
I go running, come back, shower, hungry and food arrived, so I scuff down half the samosa salad thing
now I feel like trash
and it tastes nothing like it
it has fucking BBQ sauce in it. no yogurt. it's supposed to be Indian. what the fuck, sweet-ass bqq sauce? the spiciness is some retarded white people taste. this isn't the punch of Indian food.
30% of the mass is cucumber. wat. there's fucking pomegranate seeds in it so you can't even chew it. what am I even eating. the samosa pieces are all soggy and not crunchy like I remember. the spiciness sucks. there's no yogurt to counteract it either. just pathetic
and now I feel like garbage. I feel sick to my stomach. because that BBQ sauce was a lot more sugar than you could taste.
I fucking hate my life. I hope I don't get sick from the food, cuz I have food insensitivities... and I knew before when I took spoonfuls of what he ordered they didn't effect me... but that wasn't this.
this fucker literally lied and used me to order food guilt-free under the pretense of "hey it's your birthday and I wanna get you a meal". and he orders disgusting fast food that isn't even food. "for me". while lying to me. me who can't even eat the damned cherries I love without my brain degrading because those are too much sugar. what the hell is wrong with this guy
I know I got downvoted for this before but fuck I hate fat people. I don't want to eat fast food. I want real food. I don't want to get sick off fake fucking BBQ sauce infused with disgusting sugar. all this guy does is make excuses for the food he wants to eat. maybe I'm just literally food insensitive watching him eat himself to death I don't know. I feel like puking
I swear nothing good anyone ever does for you is ever for you. people are rotten.8